Total Eclipse of the Heart

Apparently today is the spiritual death of 2020. If astrologers are to be believed, the eclipse taking place in the southern hemisphere is supposed to clear out a bunch of stagnant energy, allow us to let go of sadness and pain that have been holding us back from growing, and signal the true end of Trump's influence. 

That all sounds nice, but a cosmic panacea for our earthly woes is far too grand a thing on which to pin all of one's hopes and dreams. All the same, it can't hurt to at least make the effort to meet the universe halfway. My goal is to make 2021 a transformative year. As such, I have decided upon a two-pronged attack:

1. Love what you love: A friend of mine pointed out that I seem afraid to take up space, apologizing for nothing and taking back what I say. My therapist has been encouraging me to share what I know about certain topics on YouTube, and start teaching in a different way. My social space feels fractured between my different hobbies and I expend a lot of mental energy on keeping the needs/wants of those hobby friends separate. I have felt for so long that I have nothing important to say, and that sharing my thoughts and feelings was selfish and narcissistic. But I want to share what I love and not be afraid to do so! Hopefully, through sharing, it can help me re-engage with the world and not constantly be so afraid. 

2. Be someone you can love: I don't like who I am. I haven't for a rather long time. There are flashes of who I was before I let people cut pieces from me. And recently, I've felt new life starting to sprout from those old wounds. While my life is informed by those traumatic events, I am not going to allow my future self to be defined by them. Call it self care, call it getting my shit together- these are the conscious choices to be made to make a better future. 

These are big, scary ideas. Quite honestly, my heart is pounding just thinking about this. It's a mountain of a task, casting a shadow like an omen of impending doom. I do recognize that this is just my brain panicking about being forced out of its comfort zone, that this fear will subside. But to make all of this actionable, I'm going to break down what needs to be done. (Believe me, I realize that these minute details are only interesting to me. But I'm here to overshare and overthink and overwork, just like the millennial I am.)

Love What You Love: The original concept of this blog was to do something every day consistently and chronicle it. That sounds like the doldrums. The goal was never to bore myself and you, dear reader, to death. The goal is to do something consistently. Thus, the hope is that every day of 2021 I will share 10 or so things that I enjoy every day. This may or may not pan out. I may find that I indeed like very little and the experiment will end early. So far, here are the categories:

    1. Books: I used to read a lot, not so much any more. Also, through the weirdness of life, I've found myself in possession of a strange amount of opinions on children's books. Add a propensity towards graphic novels, and I have a lot to share. I obviously can't read 365 books in a year, but maybe talking about books will encourage me to read again. If only because I have a quota to meet. 
    2. Movies: I've felt like I've had to hide my love of movies for a long time. I didn't have the money to go to the theatre. And slowly, a movie seemed like too big of a commitment of time, so I just... stopped. But, after pushing for and subsequently teaching a film studies elective at my school in 2018, I've been steadily letting cinema back into my life. Thus far in 2020, I've watched 165 films. I want to continue this love into 2021.
    3. Board Games: If I am slightly internet famous for anything, it's for a now defunct podcast purportedly about board games, but honestly more about dick jokes and communism. Because of the end of the podcast and the loss of friends due to moves and the pandemic, I haven't had the desire to play any games. They just seemed too frivolous. Almost like taking time to play them was overwhelmingly selfish and overwhelmingly time-consuming. Considering their boxes appear in nearly every room of my house, I either need to decide that I really enjoy games or move on. 
    4. Record: I collect records. And like board games, it has turned into a game of collecting rather than listening. I miss listening to music in a slow, intentional way. Here is yet another opportunity to really define what I love and maybe make some floor space.
    5. Song: Like the rest of the world, I too am not immune to the siren call of streaming music. And it's amazing to find great songs that only appear in the digital ether, or are the only good song on their album and to not have to commit to buying the whole physical album. I used to make a list every month of these new discoveries, but this depression hole I've been in has made me seek the comfort of the familiar and just plain lazy. Maybe this will help spark that discovery instinct again. 
    6. Classical Music: For most of my life, all I listened to was classical. My parents had big dreams of me becoming a classical pianist, I ran a classical music program- it was my life. But I realized that no one else wanted to talk about it and I needed to leave it behind. I shouldn't have, but high school rationale is never rational. I want to talk about it again. 
    7. Art Appreciation: I really love art, but I am clueless when it comes to talking about it. I just want look at pretty things and have other people look at those pretty things with me.
    8. Making Art: I am terrible at all forms of art, but I wanted to try to improve my skills. I started a Twitter account for this purpose specifically, wherein I tried to draw something everyday. Life got in the way, but I'm going to give it a real try this year. This will undoubtedly lead to disaster. 
    9. Star Trek: This is a weird one. I've wanted to watch Star Trek all the way through for years. My uncle died a few years ago, and I had long wanted to do this with him. I tried to start this year, but I couldn't make it past TOS Ep 10, without feeling morose afterwards. I need to try again, one episode at a time. 
    10. Wild Card: Maybe there's a great story from the news, or I will feel the need to espouse the virtues of owning a wok. I don't know! There's always space to discover and to be grateful. And here is a literal space for that. 

Be Someone You Can Love: These are the more traditional resolutions. I don't know quite how to accomplish these yet, but I'm sure I'll overshare about them soon enough. Since I'm turning 30 in 2021, might as well try to accomplish 30 things. 
    1. Exercise
    2. Eat healthy
    3. Lose weight 
    4. Make a workable budget- and stick to it! 
    5. Get organized (all classics)
    6. Cook something new every week
    7. Don't eat out/get take out as much
    8. Make and stick to a cleaning schedule
    9. Significantly decrease my proclivity for impulse shopping
    10. Start doing yoga/mindfulness with some regularity
    11. Don't do homework/stuff on a deadline at the last minute
    12. Drink the requisite amount of water (and find out what said requisite amount is)
    13. Create 50 new recipes for the cookbook (and write the damn things down, instead of half-heartedly scrawling them on the back of grocery lists and hoping future me speaks gibberish)
    14. Keep going to therapy- maybe graduate to not needing it EVERY week?
    15. Finish physical therapy successfully, aka DO THE DAMN EXERCISES
    16. Lift all the weights. ALL. THE. WEIGHTS.
    17. Complete a proper clean out of the house- go through old clothes, random bits, etc.
    18. Wear make up more than once a month, and experiment with it. Makeup should be fun!
    19. Develop a skin care routine because you're old and wrinkly now
    20. Develop a daily health regiment and stick to it. 
    21. Complete a once-a-month project of projects that have been started, but never finished
    22. Do more crafts (and don't let them stress you out too much)
    23. Go to bed and wake up on a regular schedule
    24. Learn a new language.
    25. Learn a new instrument (or get better at an old one)
    26. Finish my bachelor's in education
    27. Finish my personal training certification
    28. Finish my bachelor's in nutrition
    29. Get my curriculum development business up and running
    30. WRITE. Write like your life depends on it. Because it does. And you know that. 

Maybe by putting this out into the universe now, at this important cosmic juncture, my life can get better. Or if I am truly and likely accountable for everything in my life, this is at least a starting point. And turned in ahead of the deadline for New Year's Resolutions! That's always a good start. It feels good to not be on the back foot for once.